Will the hold ever loosen?

Friday morning, been off work this whole week. Got some stuff done, but not nearly as much as I would have loved to.

I don’t know why, but the ex that I should’ve been over long ago still keeps popping up in my head. I’m looking at the map right now to find which way to go somewhere, and I saw the place where we first met, for our first date.

I wanna go back in time and do that with her. I wanna be with her, there.

I still fucking love the girl I thought she was back then.

Even though I know she’s not that girl, she’s different, but I just can’t help feeling like I want her.

Any time I hear a song where they talk about love, or sex or whatever, I get this gut punch feeling, because my mind immediately thinks that “since me” she has been with guys, probably more than one. And I’m mad at her for that. What I want is to be there, in time and space, and not break up, and live our lives together.

Every time I do something, I inadvertently start imagining how I would explain this thing to a 3-4 year old, which is what her son was at the time. My brain keeps “daydreaming”, I see myself teaching shit to the boy and see her being so proud and happy that she’s found the perfect guy in me.

I know I’m not perfect, why does my brain make me perfect in this scenario?

I can’t even explain what’s going on in my head, and that’s also why my posts are so rare. Every day I have 2–3 times when I think I need to vent because I’m going crazy, but then I think about sitting down, writing for some time, and I have so many thoughts to put into these posts, and I feel like it’s too much. Even if I sit down to write it all out, I’m not gonna be able to remember everything and I’m not gonna be able to write it in a way it appears in my head.

In my head, all these thoughts follow each other really fast, and they feel like they constitute a story that’s whole. But sit down and try to write down like the plot of a movie or something. Impossible to cover everything and to do it in one sitting.

All I know is that I often still think about her, and even though I know things couldn’t work between us, I know there is no way there could ever be an us again, and I do think that I am determined about living out the rest of my life without her in it. As in, I am accepting that whatever time we had is all we’re ever gonna have.

STILL my brain calls her name and I wanna call her, I wanna text her, I wanna hug her…

But I also want to be a little a bitch and let her know how awesome I think it could have been between us, if only she had given it just a little more time.

She’s haunting me and this haunting is torturing me. I am suffering. I don’t want anybody else. I just want her. But I don’t even want her either.

I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling right now. I am thinkin about her and I am madly and deadly in love with the image of her that I had in my head when we just started planning things together. I am really down, thinking about her, but I don’t even wanna be with her. I love her, but I wouldn’t really wanna be with her.

I can’t take this bullshit, I really don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I just wanna cry and scream and even that wouldn’t help.

I feel empty as fuck inside.




This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

Twin Flame Thrower: Love that Burns

How to Create Your Wedding Guest List


Couples Counseling in San Jose

How Not to Be Defensive When You Argue (So You Don’t Ruin Your Relationships)

Men, Vet Your Women Harder. You Need To.

You Already Have the Love that You Seek

Want to feel more connected to people? Start by having a relationship with yourself

I love you the way I love me

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Decompression Chamber

Decompression Chamber

This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.

More from Medium


A Warning From a Friend

In My Lifetime

The ‘Grandparent’ Affinity