Will the hold ever loosen?

Friday morning, been off work this whole week. Got some stuff done, but not nearly as much as I would have loved to.

I don’t know why, but the ex that I should’ve been over long ago still keeps popping up in my head. I’m looking at the map right now to find which way to go somewhere, and I saw the place where we first met, for our first date.

I wanna go back in time and do that with her. I wanna be with her, there.

I still fucking love the girl I thought she was back then.

Even though I know she’s not that girl, she’s different, but I just can’t help feeling like I want her.

Any time I hear a song where they talk about love, or sex or whatever, I get this gut punch feeling, because my mind immediately thinks that “since me” she has been with guys, probably more than one. And I’m mad at her for that. What I want is to be there, in time and space, and not break up, and live our lives together.

Every time I do something, I inadvertently start imagining how I would explain this thing to a 3-4 year old, which is what her son was at the time. My brain keeps “daydreaming”, I see myself teaching shit to the boy and see her being so proud and happy that she’s found the perfect guy in me.

I know I’m not perfect, why does my brain make me perfect in this scenario?

I can’t even explain what’s going on in my head, and that’s also why my posts are so rare. Every day I have 2–3 times when I think I need to vent because I’m going crazy, but then I think about sitting down, writing for some time, and I have so many thoughts to put into these posts, and I feel like it’s too much. Even if I sit down to write it all out, I’m not gonna be able to remember everything and I’m not gonna be able to write it in a way it appears in my head.

In my head, all these thoughts follow each other really fast, and they feel like they constitute a story that’s whole. But sit down and try to write down like the plot of a movie or something. Impossible to cover everything and to do it in one sitting.

All I know is that I often still think about her, and even though I know things couldn’t work between us, I know there is no way there could ever be an us again, and I do think that I am determined about living out the rest of my life without her in it. As in, I am accepting that whatever time we had is all we’re ever gonna have.

STILL my brain calls her name and I wanna call her, I wanna text her, I wanna hug her…

But I also want to be a little a bitch and let her know how awesome I think it could have been between us, if only she had given it just a little more time.

She’s haunting me and this haunting is torturing me. I am suffering. I don’t want anybody else. I just want her. But I don’t even want her either.

I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling right now. I am thinkin about her and I am madly and deadly in love with the image of her that I had in my head when we just started planning things together. I am really down, thinking about her, but I don’t even wanna be with her. I love her, but I wouldn’t really wanna be with her.

I can’t take this bullshit, I really don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I just wanna cry and scream and even that wouldn’t help.

I feel empty as fuck inside.

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This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.

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Decompression Chamber

Decompression Chamber

This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.

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