This blog is another example of me just getting tired of shit
When was the last post I made?
My ex sent me a friend request on FB, out of the blue, in mid-September, and I have a longish draft typed up about that that I never published.
Now, 5 weeks later, it feels like “whatever” to look at, but it’s there, so seeing it every time gives me more anxiety about how I fuck up everything and I don’t finish, don’t follow through, don’t keep consistent, etc.
So, my last post was 2 months ago, or so, probably? And the same thing happened with this blog as with everything in my life. It starts out good, I am in it, I am doing it, but then the cracks begin to appear. And they widen slowly until the point I just feel bad about how far I allowed the cracks to go.
I feel like shit, I feel like the feeling’s eating me up inside, so I gotta vent. I think of this blog. But then I think of the unfinished, unsent drafts and feel like I’ve let myself down and this life is being wasted because I fuck everything up and nothing’s ever gonna get any better.
It’s fuckin late October. I remember, last October-November, there were days I just sat in my room crying feeling no hope whatsoever.
Now I have a job, but it’s stressful. I feel like I still don’t know enough — even though my colleagues tell me that the initial learning phase can take up to over a year here and I’ve only been here for 7 months.
I feel like I’m insufficient for this and that and the other thing and I just feel stressed out by the pressure I put on myself. Nobody puts stress on me, my boss is very fair, he knows that we are humans first and resources after.
Plus, I feel like shit about AA, too. I’m still going to meetings, but I haven’t started the Steps still. I don’t feel like it, because no matter how hard they say that “God doesn’t necessarily have to be THE God, it’s just a higher power”, I will never be able to adopt any such philosophy after having “fought” my way out of the christian faith. I love the people and their kindness, and they do help a lot with staying sober, but all the spirituality talk drains me. A lot.
And I know, I KNOW that if they read this, they’d say “Oh, this guy’s not really in it, he doesn’t really get it.” Like in MLMs. You have to be invested in it with your whole being and mind and all.
I also get that if you put sobriety as your very top priority in your life and subject everything else to it, it will work, you will stay sober. But AM I willing to do that? I’m still trying to figure out life and get money and find a partner and shit, and all of this requires effort and time and devotion. I can’t put ALL of this after AA.
Plus they do say they don’t judge, but I just feel like you still have this obligation to live up to their expectations of being 100% in it, body, mind, and soul.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I wanna drink, it’s not that I’m craving alcohol. It’s my mind fighting against commitment, like it always has. I hate commitments, I really fucking do.
And I really hate just life, the whole world right now. I don’t know what would make me happy. I don’t even know what my main problem is, but I am suffering.
You know the feeling, when you’re going through a brutal hangover and aside from the headache, you also have that feeling, or “mood” that everything sucks, everything is just sooo shitty. That feeling is constant with me.