The holidays are not really happy

…if you have depression.

I am back home, came on the 22nd, today is the 26th. I love my mother, my sister and my brother-in-law, so it is nice being home with them, but I am so miserable. I’m turning 38 in less than a week, this is probably the first Christmas when I’m thinking I should have my own family now and spend this time with them instead of “coming home” alone, like some kid.

Photo by Ekaterina Bolovtsova

I had a job interview on Tuesday (22), and I think I nailed it — however I kind of wish I didn’t. I got good feedback, we’ve talked about a next round interview, etc. However, this is the kind of company I swore I would not work for ever again, and in the interview, the interviewer said several times that this is stressful work and all, and it’s not light work, there are no lazy, slow days. I’m not saying I don’t want to have to work, but I don’t like jobs where you don’t even have time for a coffee. That’s why I would never work by an assembly line, even if that meant starving to death.

It has been shit to be without a job for months, so I do need one. Yet, now that it looks like I might be getting one soon, I just don’t like all the… basically everything it comes with. My depressed brain’s going “Ah, not this, now everything’s gonna change, and everything’s gonna be like… Ah, fuck!”

I also got back news from a different freelancing job I gave an offer for earlier. I thought it wouldn’t materialize, but now they got back to me saying they wanna work with me. Plus these two are kind of conflicting with each other. I have a hell of a lot to consider.

Juggling the two is not something I can do for a long time.

Then there is my ex. We did text a little on Christmas Eve, she sent me pics of his son playing with toys he got for Christmas… But she did also tell me she hoped I have kids someday, because she knows I would be a good dad, etc.

I wanted to scream and yell, “No, I want yours! I want you with your kid!” She definitely totally seems like she’s over me. I mean, how does nothing count? We were good together, I loved her kid, he loved me too, the two of us AND the three of us were so amazing together, what else are you looking for in a guy? I don’t get it. I honestly don’t understand it and that’s what makes letting go so hard.

I want to talk to you, I want to hear from you! I wanna be in each other’s lives!

I really fucking hate everything right now. I love my family, but I wanna be somewhere/something/somebody else right now…

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Decompression Chamber

Decompression Chamber

This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.