The constant Will I, Won’t I?
There’s a constant struggle, or battle of two sides inside me. Indecision? Commitment issues? I hate calling it that, for people have this thing where they hear these words and think you’re just scum. Like I’m doing it just to fuck with others.
I feel like no matter the subject, two opposing sides duke shit out inside me like those stags in the pic above. All. The. Time.
I used to work out during my office hours, as my boss has said that he already allows an hour for lunch break, because even pre-Rona, when everyone was at the office, it often took that long to stand in line and get food and eat it too at the cafeteria. And he knows we’re not machines, so he himself says that you cannot spend every minute working. So I usually did my workout every day around 11AM-noon-ish, as “lunch break” and then had my lunch in front of the computer after I was done.
These days I cannot even get up from the laptop for an hour, the workload’s so heavy. So right now, I’m off work, finished 30–40 minutes ago, and since then, I’ve been just sitting here thinking I gotta do my workout, but also constantly feeling like I’ll take a rest day today, I’ll fire up the Xbox and just play. Or watch YouTube, or one of the streaming services.
And now almost an hour’s gone and I haven’t done anything other than just thinking about what I wanna do. I wanna do all of those things, so I’m not doing any of them.
I dunno when this indecision started for me, but I clearly remember a feeling. Maybe it was about some girl I was talking to but wasn’t fully ‘into’? And I remember thinking, “Oh well, I’ll pursue her — one’s better than none, right?” Immediately followed by “But if I wanna do that, that means saying I’m sticking with this one option and I’m giving up all other options.” Which is stupid, I realize that.
But goddamn it, now everything’s like that in my mind. I hate committing to anything. Most of the time I just get pulled into things and then it’s like “OK, well, it’s this now”.
Like, there’s really no reason why I wouldn’t wanna work out, but I kinda feel like I wanna do this or that instead.
My brain makes such a struggle out of everything. “OK, I’m doing A. No, I’m doing B. No, I wanna do A more. Nah, fuck, actually B. Oooooor… NO, I DON’T CARE, IT’S B NOW! Ooooor… maybe still A?”
And so another afternoon is just ticking away without me doing anything to better anything in my life.
I rarely take painkillers, but when I do, I take one that’s stronger than an Aspirin or whatever. I have the one that always helps, so I’m sticking to that one. I took one earlier today because my head was splitting, but just now, because of all this bullshit in my mind, my head’s starting to hurt again.
It’s 4:25 PM, if I start working out right now, I’ll still be done by 6-ish, including shower and all that. And there really isn’t anything stopping me from starting right now. Other than just myself, just sitting here just staring at shit.
Fucksakes, I don’t wanna not be here, but being here also is just sooo shit.
+ — + — +
So, fast-forward two hours. I didn’t work out, but my soup is on the stove, so at least I did something. I also called my uncle for his birthday and had a nice chat with him.
But the nice chat also had a side that made me feel bad. He told me about how my cousin, who’s like half my age, is just crushing it at life. This kid’s doing great, and from the sound of it, he’s enjoying life and is doing awesome stuff. I mean, sure, coming from a stable background, unlike me, does help, but even aside from that.
Ah, fuck this whole thing.
