Pre-Xmas

Yesterday was kind of brutal. I was just suffering. Thoughts of my ex keep coming at me right out of the blue.

Just yesterday I saw some article somewhere that talked about Christmas with a narcissist, and at one point it said, basically, don’t expect to have a nice Christmas with a narcissist, they just have a tendency to fuck it up when everything’s going right. And that’s so her. She did that all the time. I think I do understand now some things about her and that these things are not her fault. But with that said, my problem is that I would just want to be with her, and she has already shown me patterns during our short time together that tell me what the whole thing would look like and I’m so not cut out for that.

So I’m just suffering, because even today some thoughts intruded already. I just wanna hold her and kiss her, because that’s honestly the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. When I was embracing, holding a girl that I felt like meant the world to me, and I thought I felt her love and it was the best feeling in the world, like we were meant for each other. But yeah, then came the problems, every time, like clockwork.

I don’t even know how to explain this, I really wouldn’t want to be with her, but there is a feeling in me like I still want her really bad and nobody compares to her.

And this whole thing is just the icing on the seasonal shitcake I’ve been eating. Yesterday I, once again, had this moment where I honestly felt like there really is no hope for any change in any of this in the future. And that I hate living in this world, because it’s full of idiots.

I’m cutting contact with cousins I grew up with, I’m not replying to my dad, they’re turning into antivaxxers and I can’t not be mad at that. Half the town I grew up in, half the people I grew up with, even educated, intelligent people. Is this really what the world has come to? I don’t want this.

The thought of the world now being like this… living among idiots who are unable to comprehend basic shit, because they’re too dumb, but they’re the ones acting all high mighty. People with shit grammar leaving a comment with a link to some fringe niche blog and a moronic caption that screams “I know shit you don’t know.”

You don’t know dick, you cunt.

I get mad at these people and I can’t not. I can’t not give a fuck.

Having just translated a 3-piece documentary on forced labor in Nazi Germany under Hitler, knowing what was done to Jewish and gypsy people and prisoners of war and just straight up foreign civilians in those camps, I cannot fathom the ignorance and idiocy of people likening the vaxx mandate to Nazi Germany. FUCK. YOUR. FACE.

I’m going back home for the holidays today. Leaving in an hour and a half or so. I kind of don’t even wanna. I’m happy to be seeing my family and all, but I just hate the whole traveling and all. Pack up my shit, 2.5–3 hours on the train…

Actually I just hit up my cousin asking when he’s going back home. Originally to find out so that I can plan my visit to his family accordingly. But he says he’s driving back today, in a couple of hours, too. So I gotta pack up my shit now.

At least I won’t have to take the train.

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This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.

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Decompression Chamber

Decompression Chamber

This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.

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