Nothing feels worthy of your time, so you just end up wasting it

I was totally under the impression that I was starting work at 7 this week, so I wake up this morning, turn on the laptop, and see that I’m supposed to start at 9:40.

After this, I was lying in bed, thinking I’d watch something. I put on a 16-minute long video about rapper J Cole, but as I’m watching it, I have this feeling like there is something else I’m supposed to be doing.

Then this anxiety makes me feel like I don’t like the video I’m watching. But what else then? Maybe not YouTube, but do something productive? But what?

When there is something I’m working on, I always procrastinate and do other things instead and feel guilty for not focusing my efforts on the important things. When there is nothing “more important than the thing”, then I don’t feel like doing the thing. And then that’s what will give me a feeling of guilt.

I hate being busy, but when I’m not, I don’t know what to do.

Like the title says, whatever I do, everything feels like there should be something more important than this. I watch a movie, I feel like I’m taking that time away from something else. I am unable to enjoy things anymore.

I thought about this in the context of finding a partner the other day. Women want a guy who has a life that’s complete without them, too, so the guy doesn’t become needy and clingy. Plus women like to feel like by choosing the guy, they are becoming a part of the awesome thing that is his life. I feel like I don’t have anything in my life — like a sick hobby, “Oh, girl, I go skydiving every weekend, yeah, no big deal”, or anything that could attract a girl.

I’m more the type who… I like being alone, but when I’m with somebody, I’m a different person. When I’m with somebody, I really don’t mind doing things with them. All kinds of things, I really don’t mind.

It’s just that when I’m on my own, I don’t give a fuck. I’ve done too many things alone in my life. I’ve always traveled alone, went to concerts alone and shit, I’m tired of it.

Like I’m tired of everything and nothing I do alone feels right anymore like it used to.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Decompression Chamber

Decompression Chamber

3 Followers

This is my De(com)pression Chamber, a vehicle I use to (com)municate my thoughts to decompress as I, hopefully, emerge from the depths of depression.