I don’t know, I see people online saying they got out of it, they’re better now. OK, the better part I believe, I’m doing better at times. But it’s just the highest highs to the lowest lows in one second.
And like, something I find myself doing at least 3–4 times a day, and that’s just the times I catch myself, is not doing something very small, because I don’t feel like it.
I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, writing this, and remembered that maybe I should pop a vitamin B pill. I literally just have to get up, take 1 step, get it out of my little bag thing, and just pop it. I even have water here on the table.
But I really don’t feel like doing it.
And this is the fucked up part, because this has nothing to do with being sad, or unmotivated, it’s just that my brain does this often. With a lot of things. These thoughts of “I know it’s just 4 seconds, but fuck, I don’t wanna”, ruin a lot of things for me. It sucks and it has been like this for years.
And germaphobia plays a part in this too. Like when there 3 things to do, I consider order, because I wanna make my bed before I go out and wash my hands. Because if I wash my hands first, and then touch the linen, then I might touch the cover where my feet touch it, and my feet are not as clean as whatever… I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can’t help it.
So I often think order and stuff, and the smallest thing becomes complicated as hell and I just end up not doing it.
Fuck, just now, just this thing here… I’ve been complaining here for at least 10 minutes now, in which time I could have popped that pill 100 times.
OK, I don’t give a fuck, D&A, you both suck a bag, this is me actually doing it just to fuck with you.
And done. Literally 8 seconds.
But this is the exception. I am totally aware that I am capable of doing this, telling myself to do it and then doing it. But I often end up not doing this.
And I’ve had it with my bullshit.