It’s Thursday. I’m working, from home. I stopped for a minute to check on this online idle game I’m playing and there is music on in the background, it’s some Eurodance from back in the day, from the ‘90s.

As I’m clicking away in the game and the music creates this atmosphere, I can’t help feeling this growing feeling of “I should be doing something more important.”

There is something I should be doing, the translation, and my “real job”, which I’m on the clock for right now. Things are a little slow right now, so I’m taking this break, but can’t help that feeling.

The worst thing is that it happens, too, when I don’t really have anything to do. There is nothing urgent or important that I should be doing and I still don’t feel at ease, and I can’t enjoy anything, I can’t be satisfied with anything, because there is this constant little thing in the back of my mind that tells me I shouldn’t be wasting time on whatever I’m doing, I should be doing “the important thing”, but there is no important thing.

These are the worst fucking things in life, I don’t even know how to put it into words. Objectless, directionless feelings, I guess? I hate that feeling of anxiety, too, when you have the same feeling you have before something bad that you know is imminent. Except here, there is no such thing, there is nothing you are aware of in your imminent future that would be such a bad thing (like a lot of people are afraid of the dentist), but you still have the same feeling, but it’s just “in general.”

These posts have been very rare occurrences lately, because it’s not that I don’t feel like writing, but I often don’t have the motivation. I feel bad about something, I feel like venting, or just writing about something, but all of a sudden, something clicks and I don’t feel like it anymore.

I have a million thoughts all at once, and I know ahead of writing that I can’t write them out fast enough for them not to get all tangled up. And then I just feel like it would come out a mess.

It’s a rainy December day, I look out my 3rd story window, onto the busy intersection and the street, people with umbrellas, and I like the sight. But I still feel like “fuuuuuuck December,” everything is so shit.

Alright, back to work, something came up.

But, fuck, I don’t feel like doing it.

But still gotta do it. At least this is something. That I can force myself to do this.