Decompression Chamber

Dec 17, 2020

3 min read

It’s 10:06 PM on a Thursday

and I feel like I should be doing something. There are several different things I feel like I should be doing, but don’t feel like doing any of them. I just don’t want to, I’m too tense to do any of them. I feel burnt out, from life itself.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska

I have a video job interview at 10 AM tomorrow — I should be looking into the company, getting ready, preparing for the interview.

At the same time, isn’t this some bullshit? They reached out to me asking if I’d want to interview with them, so I mean, will they ask why I wanna work for them? “Yeah, it’s been a dream of mine ever since you called me yesterday.”

I feel like I should be working on more Salesforce badges on Trailhead — why the fuck am I not doing that? I haven’t been doing it for over a month now, this is not good.

Twitter girl is not responding to my DMs — even though just a couple of days ago she was the one acting kind of hurt, asking me if we’re not talking anymore or what? And now she’s not responding to anything.

Bumble girl said Monday for our Date #2. The second date, that sounds awesome, but it’s still 4 days away. I should be happy that there’s the prospect of something new in my life. She’s young, beautiful, seems cool and fun.

But I still totally fucking miss my ex. I miss her so bad. I don’t know if I should try to talk to her again. I wanna collect my thoughts and put together something… and talk to her saying those things. I still want her. When is this shit gonna end? I feel like my life will never be the same after her. Never.

And right now I’m crying because I’m thinking of my grandpa who passed away 2 months ago. There is an elderly guy his age in AA, and he’s so nice to me, and he reminds me of my grandpa. And today he said something to me, which I just remembered now, a couple of hours after the meeting and now I’m crying a river thinking of my grandpa.

I mean it started with the memory of my grandpops, but right now I’m crying over everything. Because my life sucks. Life sucks bags of dicks, I hate it. I hate it all, I hate everything, I hate this suffering and I hate my mental illness(es). I hate Christmas, too, and it’s in a week.

And I miss my dog who died back in August, at the age of 17. I remember just running my hands through his hair, along his still warm body after he had to be put to sleep. I remember when my sister and my brother-in-law put him in the car to drive him to the vet — I could, somehow, feel that this is it for him, so I looked into his sad eyes and held his head for a short minute. I miss him, poor old guy.

Alright, all existing levees have now been broken, I’m crying like a baby. My head feels like it’s about to explode, I can barely breathe, because my nose is all stuffed, and my tears are falling all over the place.

I feel defeated and done.