I really don’t know what to do with myself

It’s 3:27 PM, I’m still only at around 60%. So it’s at least another hour, 90 minutes.

And my mind keeps wandering.

So, I am getting work done, but it’s a struggle. Every minute. And there’s a small, 10 minute thing I’ve been procrastinating on since morning.

And my mind keeps wandering.

I didn’t write anything on the blog for over a month and now I’ve been just shitting out these posts in the past couple of days. But I can’t help it, now I have something to talk about. Something to let out, because it is fucking eating me alive inside.

This feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I want something and I want to get out of this situation, but what I want is something that’s out of reach.

I wanna call her, I wanna text her, but what for? But I still do. The thought that she’s thinking about somebody else the same things she was thinking about me a year ago… is killing me.

That first hug on the island, that first kiss.

Is this me finding I’m still in love with her? I don’t wanna be. It really looks like it’s not gonna happen anymore, so why can’t I let go. I don’t wanna be a creep either. I’m not saying stalker, because I’m not stalking her. I’m consciously avoiding any situation where I could potentially get any new information on her.

But God, do I wanna get new information on her. I want to talk to her. I want her to want to talk to me.

She’s probably with the new guy right now. I am mean as fuck for thinking this, but I hope everything is not peachy. God, I miss her so bad. Still, after all this time.

Man, I love this font in the editor so much that I’m mesmerized just looking at the letters as they appear as I type them. It gives me that oddly satisfying feeling.

But that only distracted me for a minute. My mind goes straight back to her. And I am so tired of fighting this. I don’t wanna feel anything anymore. I miss her so bad. I don’t wanna feel that.

Wow, I’m so pathetic, too. I realize that by writing al this down, even if nobody ever reads it, I am making myself vulnerable, I am opening up. I feel like if, for example, she ever read these posts, well, I certainly did not paint a picture of a guy here that any woman would fall in love with.

And I just fucking miss her. I can’t help it. My mind keeps getting drawn back to her, and I don’t know how to fight it off. Meanwhile she’s probably happy with somebody else, not thinking about me at all, because why would she?

I just really don’t know why my mind is so preoccupied with her, but this is draining me.