A year and a half later…
…I decided to write again.
What I said was gonna happen ended up happening. I lose my motivation for stuff and I stop doing it. I stopped writing this blog.
It’s September 2023, I’m back home in the village, and I’m going back to the city in a couple of hours. I really don’t wanna go back. But I never wanna come back home either. Traveling, along with pretty much everything in life, has become a burden.
I’ve been at the same job, with the same company for 2.5 years now, and I’m really starting to burn out. The company went through 2 mergers in the past year and a half, and my boss’ plan to protect us from becoming expendable was to willingly take on extra responsibilities for us. So now we have pretty much double the workload as before, for a somewhat increased pay. “Somewhat” = 6% up from last year.
More work, more stress, more bullshit. And we’re now in the pocket of the government. Decisions are made based on politics and not economics. But of course the IT part of the whole operation has to run smoothly. You can’t “brute force” your way through it to get a whole IT system/infrastructure working because you are good friends with whomever up in high circles.
God fucking damn it, I hate it. The last straw was when my colleague started acting like a dick. He does a lot of work in one area and then starts pointing at it, saying he does all the work and we, the others, don’t do anything. Meanwhile there’s other responsibilities of ours that he neglects, but of course always point his fingers at stuff he just spent two extra days buffing up. I’m not gonna go into details, because this would get long, but fuck that guy, so I’m now looking for a new job.
But this, too, is a burden. Never in my life did I have ambitions. Since I was a kid, grown-ups always told me I was gonna “be somebody”, but I never knew how or what, so that never materialized. No matter what anybody I knew got into, I was always looking at it like, pfft, that’s stupid, I’m not gonna do that, because my path is set, I’m gonna be somebody.
So I never had anything I really wanted to pursue. I always looked at every job, subconsciously, as this temporary thing I’m doing, while I’m “becoming big”. So even my work experience is like 2 years this, 5 years that, 3 years in something else… and when I need a new job, it’s never like “OK, I’m gonna check out the new “whatever engineer” postings.” It’s always like I start looking at postings thinking “Could I land this one, or is it out of reach with my experience and all?”
So I really DO NEED another job, but I dunno how to look for it, or even what to look for.
But I do need it yesterday, because I’m getting back to work on Monday (it’s Friday today) after 2 weeks of mental health maintenance time off, and I’m already totally stressed out and feel super depressed about having to go back to continue this whole thing.
I’m burnt out from the workload and I’m also fed up with my colleague’s toxic behavior. I’m saying behavior because this was the 2nd time he’s done this within like 3 months. I don’t have any illusions about him chilling out. He’s probably chill now, but this thing’s gonna happen again.
I gotta get outta here. I really fucking do.
